Just Another Day in Tokyo 3
by Chuckman
Summary: I saw Zeruel drinking a piña colada at Trader Vic's. His hair was perfect.
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: There are no apologies sufficient for the crime against humanity you are about to read.

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><p><em>Just Another Day in Tokyo-3<em>

Chapter 1: Confluences

"_All _the missiles have hit the target!" Aoba screamed in a high pitched, girly voice. Or maybe it was Hyuga. They all look the same to me. I only knew one thing. The Third Angel had come, and none of these morons had the brains or the cojones to ask why we called the first one to attack the "Third" I mean come on, doesn't that scream "ancient conspiracy" to you? It does to me, but then, I'm biased.

I rose to my feet. In front of me, the generals turned around and growled something inane in their military drawls, I can't be expected to remember anything they say. That would imply they are important, and I've already made the arrangement to remove their desks from my awesome lair. Make no mistake: I run this shit. You see this big inexplicable spaceship bridge thing over a black void? That's all me, baby. I surround myself with the finest bitches, I wear the finest tailored uniform, and I have precisely tinted orange sunglasses that I wear _all the time._ The lenses were made from the taillights of a classic Ferrari and polished with the tears of six year olds who just learned there's no Santa Claus.

Because I shot him.

My name is Gendo Ikari, and I support this message.

Anyway, tall big and ugly turns around in his uniform which is a cross between an organ grinder's monkey, a janitor, and an admiral in the Turkish Navy. Me? I need no ribbons and phallic symbols to assure my masculine presence. I am Gendo Ikari, and Gendo Ikari _is_, the way a hurricane or a mountain is. I am a hurricane made of mountains. A mountaincane.

And it's on _fire._

"You'd better not fail us, Ikari," the general growled.

I nodded and made sure my hips were cocked at the correct angle to achieve maximum disdain. Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

"Very well. Gentlemen! Let's broaden our minds. Lawrence!"

"My name is Fuyutsuki," the old man said. I tolerate his attitude because it amuses me, and the knowledge that he longs for but one of the asses I have tapped empowers my martial arts.

"Whatever. We shall defeat the Angel… as soon as my daughter shows up."

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><p>"I'm a boy," I said aloud, without quite knowing why.<p>

I looked to my left, and I saw a girl. Sure, she was floating, and she had blue hair and chalk white skin, but hey, man, any port in a storm. I was still staring at her when the car pulled up. I kind of expected what was coming, since she'd sent me a beer-scented polaroid picture of herself in a lewd pose with a hastily scrawled message, an arrow pointing at her tits and a lipstick kiss.

Somewhere, my dad is laughing at me.

So she pulls up and the bounce of her tremendous assets as physics catches up with them makes the car rock on its springs. If I were a normal boy I'd probably be drooling, but I must have low testosterone or something, because the first thing I noticed is that she's just taken a long pull off a whiskey bottle. She looked at me, screamed _Yahooooooooooo!_ and smashed the bottle over her head, spraying foul smelling liquor and glass all over the inside of the car, like some sort of Lovecraftian succubus.

I was seriously contemplating running away but wasn't fast enough. She grabbed me, shoved my face into her chest and screamed "Into the car, bitch!"

I am Shinji Ikari. I just want to go home.

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><p>"FOOLISH LILIM!" I boomed as I ascended from the sea.<p>

Strange creatures buzzed in my face, pelting my mighty form with tiny stingers. I batted them away as a lion bats at a mosquito. I think. I've never actually been to Africa. I should visit there after I annihilate all terrestrial life and remold it in my image. Then again, if I do that, there won't be any lions to observe. Oh well. Maybe this place has a zoo.

They were still shooting me. I'll show their asses, I thought, as I activated my halo. Didn't know I could fly, did you, bitches? That's right, who's the Sachiel? That's me, I'm the Sachiel. After annihilating the puny creatures futilely struggling against my might, I spotted a blue car drifting while somehow going in a straight line. Yeah.

That little shit. Again. I need to renegotiate my contract. Why can't I go last? I mean, there's an anime, an official manga, like six dozen spin-offs, enough doujins to wallpaper the Vatican, 20,000 fanfics, and I get my ass beat in about five minutes _every time._ I played Hamlet at Cambridge!

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><p>My name is Ritsuko Akagi, and I'm going through a dry spell so severe I have to turn to Gendo "Gone In Sixty Seconds" Ikari. I mean, it's not like I'm not advertising. I don't walk around here in a miniskirt and fishnets because it's comfortable. Sure, the heels are part of the dress code, but you can blame Gendo for that. I do. All the time. I don't even have to slip into a slinky swimsuit and swim around in the LCL. We have computers for this.<p>

So anyway, after I went for my pre-battle dip, I did the whole routine, lovingly toweling off, running my fingers through my hair. I do five hundred lunges a day. I can crack walnuts with my ass. People say a once piece isn't sexy, but if this thing was jammed any further up my butt I could open my mouth and bounce quarters off my thong.

I strutted to the nearest elevator, which is always easy because we blew half our construction budget on elevators. I know Misato is so drunk she has to avoid matches twenty-four-seven, but I have to excuse her for getting lost. It's one of the perils of working an organization that designs everything around really badly understood Jewish mystical imagery for no readily apparent reason. My office is shaped like a Menorah, for Christ's sake.

The elevator door opened. Have I ever told you that I hate Misato Katsuragi? First off, she drinks the weight of a sperm whale in beer every day, and that along with the microwave meals and donuts and bear claws and an entire cake every afternoon has absolutely no effect on her figure. It's freakish, is what it is. I so much as touch a bagel and my thighs get a little bigger. Misato, apparently, stores all the adipose tissue in her entire body in her bra. I'm serious, when she turns her head it makes the elevator bounce.

So she's got the kid. He looks terrified, which means she drove. He stank of beer and he was staring straight at my chest, but that was kind of the point. Oh well, you take what you can get. I turned my hips a little, thrust my butt out, and tensed up my thighs.

"You must be Shinji," I purred.

"Y-yes," the boy stammered. His eyes went a little lower. Perfect. Misato may carry her arsenal up front, but I'm armed with a weapon of ass destruction.

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><p>They took me to see the giant robot.<p>

I was terrified, and that was before they took me into the big dark room that smelled like motor oil and Vaseline. First off, the lunatic that drove me here kept resting her boobs on my head and rubbing my shoulders, and that was after she tried to kill me in her little zippy car. I don't like cars anymore. Then there's this blonde, the one who's trying so hard to get me to stare at her ass that she's almost walking sideways.

The worst part is, it's working. I like big butts, and I cannot lie.

The led me out into the dark on this bridge over a giant pool of blood. I should mention at this point that I have no idea why I'm here, except that I'm probably about to sacrificed to some moldy old Babylonian deity. I mean, who has a giant blood pool in the middle of their secret underground base? And what the hell kind of a name is Geofront? It makes it sound like it's going to rain mud, or we're standing at the top end of a big geode or something.

They turned on the lights. I started screaming.

Actually, I continued screaming.

"I need an adult!"

"You'll be fine," Misato slurred, her fingers tracing circles on my back.

I swallowed hard.

The giant monster was looking at me. I'm not stupid. This thing was obviously a One Horned Purple People Eater. Judging from the rest of this place, they had it contained through secret Nazi science and they meant for me to feed it. My father had probably run out of babies or something and his pet monster needed to eat.

"!" I said.

"Correct!" my father's voice boomed, high above. A light flicked on and I saw him standing behind a pane of glass in a room that was obviously constructed to be used only one time for a dramatic entrance.

"Dad!" I screamed. "Can I have some money?"

"What? No. I want you to pilot this thing."

"What? That's insane! I'm not a pilot? Isn't there someone more qualified, like a jet fighter test pilot or a scientist or something?"

"I hire based on willingness to put out," my father smirked.

"Well screw you! I'm not doing it. I want to go home."

My father sighed. "I expected this."

He slipped on a pair of goggles. "Gentlemen, prepare yourselves for Moé."

They rolled her out. Time froze. I forgot Doctor Akagi's glorious, glorious buttocks. Flights of angels sung over my head, and a glorious light erupted from the gurney as they rolled the blue-haired goddess forth. She was hurt. I wanted to cry, and to comfort her.

A miniature Shinji in a white robe with little wings and a halo appeared on my shoulder.

"Shinji," it said a squealing voice, "You can't! She's your sister! It's perverse!"

His counterpart, dressed in red pajamas with horns and pitchfork, appeared to my left.

"Your hot sister! Look at the junk in that trunk, man."

"He's got a point," said the tiny angel.

"Ba. Donk. A. Donk. The defense rests." said the devil.

I rushed to her side and embraced her.

"Beloved," I whispered. "Shinji is here for you."

"I react to your bumbling attentions with utter indifference," Rei groaned.

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><p>I got bored of stomping around and smashing helicopters. I mean, once you've smashed one helicopter, you've smashed them all. I sat down, tore open a newsstand, and picked up a newspaper. After discovering I couldn't read, I threw the paper away and picked out a girly magazine instead. Your Lilim forms fascinate me. What are these globes on the chest of your females? I like them. After I became bored of that, I decided to read some of these sequential art things.<p>

This thing you call "tsundere", it confuses me. Why do lilim males tolerate this behavior? It would be so much more efficient to just deposit your spermatozoa and move on before the female eats you. Why go through years of abuse for no readily apparent reason?

The books behind the curtain also confuse me. Doing that with an octopus seems highly unsanitary. Also I fail to see what the octopus gets out of it.

Ah, she's here. What do they call her again? Unit One?

"Look," I said as she took a stumbling step and fell, "why don't we get this over with? I'll just blow up now and save you the trouble."

She got up and took a slow, awkward swing at me. I guess not. Oh well, let's do this.

You know how it goes. I break her arm, the little twerp screams, she beats the shit out of me and I blow myself up, then they give captain sissypants credit for "defeating me".

So here I am, back in the lounge. My agent walks in. His name is Donny, and he's about 45, a spare man from Queens, originally. He tries to hide the accent and fails. He sits down next to me with a folder in his hand, and he looks like he hasn't showered or slept in a week. One of the challenges of being typecast is that you end up stuck with a shitty agent.

So he looks at me and says, "I got a new job for you, man."

I take a puff of my cigarette and let it out slowly. The woman at the front desk glares at me, but shit, I can do that cross explosion thing and she knows it.

"Yeah?" I say, not caring that I've switched from past tense to present tens for no real reason.

"You'll be fighting an Eva, and-"

I sigh. "Oh God. Not again. Please."

"No, no," my agent says, "this is good. Listen. This time, it's set in Victorian England, and-"

"There's a bunch of Japanese people in Victorian England?"

"Well, yeah, but the Evas are steampunk, and-"

"Let me see the script."

I leafed through it.

"Look," I said, "Look, you jackass. The Third and the Second are doing it like horny goats two-thirds of the way through. This is completely ridiculous. For one, he couldn't scrape together enough testosterone to grow a beard on an ant, and for two, she's so crazy that bats who are batshit crazy call each other Asuka crazy. It'd never work. Also, have you read this? I know more about lilim anatomy than this goon. No one actually does that."

"It's an adaptation," my agent whines. "Look, man, we're desperate. It'll be another two years until 3.0 comes out. You'll be lucky if they don't just use stock footage for the recap. I've got kids. Besides, you missed the angle."

"What angle?"

"Gendo is Jack the Ripper! And a vampire!"

"Fine," I say, "but I want top billing."

"You're kidding, right?"

Ugh.

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><p>"Very well," my father roared, "we shall settle the question of who shall shepherd the boy through the ancient rite of Thunderdome!"<p>

"Never mind," Ritsuko glowered. "I'm not doing that again."

"Why can't I live with you, Dad?" I demanded.

"I don't have a house. I sleep in here," he indicated his expansive office. There wasn't much to it. Black, as big as a house, funny tree globey thing etched on the ceiling, smells like cinnamon and laundry detergent. I scuffed my feet on the floor a little. Take that, asshole.

"I could live with Rei," I suggested. "I could tend her wounds and hold her as she cries and cup the softness of her-"

There was a gun pressed to my forehead. "No," said my father.

"Okay then," I said. "I'll be going."

"As Ritsuko has declined the Thunderdome, I claim the boy for myself," Misato shouted, bouncing on her heels. Quite hypnotic, really. "Come on, kid! To the boozemobile!"

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><p><strong>MEANWHILE IN GERMANY<strong>

June 18, 2015.

Dog carcass in alley this morning. Eva tread on burst stomach. Actually burst everything. This city is afraid of me. I've seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up around their waists and all the dolls and angels will look up and shout "Save us!" and I'll look down and whisper "Nein!"

Gott, I wish someone would hammer my glockenspiel.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the intellectual property contained herein. This story is not in continuity with Neon Genesis Evangelion. It is, in fact, not in continuity with _itself_.

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><p>Just Another Day in Tokyo-3<p>

Chapter 2: I, Sachiel

My name is Kozo Fuyutsuki, and I hate my life. First off, my name sounds like a weird viral disease. Secondly, I am forced to shepherd humanity through the trial of trials by covertly leading the only organization capable of saving it. Why, you may ask, am I saddled with that responsibility? I'll tell you why. Because the nominal Commander is a lunatic.

I was sitting at my desk signing off on some god damn TPS report or something and here comes Akagi out of Gendo's ridiculous office. Do you know why his office is always empty? Do you? I'll tell you why. Because he does absolutely no work. He literally sits in there all day with his hands steepled in front of his face in case someone walks in. He can do it for hours. He could give a praying mantis lessons.

I'll tell you one thing he can't do for hours. Ask Akagi.

She came sauntering by my desk in her "I'm a stripper dressed up as a scientist" uniform with a look of profound dissatisfaction on her face, which I could have seen coming a mile away. I can also see her ass coming a mile away, and that is not a bad thing. I tell you what, Hurricane Kozo would gladly make landfall on her shores, and it would be a category _nine._

Where was I? Oh, right. Of course, after she's gotten far enough away that she won't be tempted to comment, here comes Gendo, strutting like a fourteen year old that's had his first experience of touching his sort-of girlfriend's boob through her sweater. He looks at me and says,

"Stop what you're doing!"

I let out ragged sigh. "I'm trying to save humanity. Do you know you spent eight _billion_ dollars on _ ping pong balls?_"

"It's part of the Scenario," he muttered. "Anyway, draft a memo. I have mated with a woman. I expect you to inform the Committee."

I sighed. "Yes, sir."

"Do it now."

He darted back into his office. I didn't ask why the room was full of hula hoops.

I picked up the phone and dialed Keel's number. If I have to do this mind numbing bullshit, I'm going to enjoy it.

"Ahoy-hoy," said the Chairman.

"Sir," I said in my most professional tone.

"Fuyutsuki. If this is about Prince Albert again-"

"No," I sighed. "Gendo wishes me to inform you that he has 'mated with a-"

"If you finish that sentence, I will have you shot."

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><p>I didn't know which apartment the kid was in, so I just started ringing buzzers. Finally the door to the complex clicked open, and I headed on up. I'd put an overcoat, a ball cap, and I had an armload of groceries under both arms. I knocked on the door with my beaky thing, then realized there was a doorbell and pressed it.<p>

The kid answered the door. Then started screaming.

Typical.

He finally calmed down enough to weep, "What the shit? I'm dead, right, and this is hell?"

"No," I said, "Well, probably. It never seems to end. Listen, kid, we've met but I didn't have a chance to introduce myself properly. I'm Sachiel."

"What are you doing here?"

"It was either this or get my face punched in as a prelude to some dweeb describing uh… you, actually, doing things to part of Asuka's anatomy that you've never seen."

"Who?"

"The Queen Bitch of Space. You haven't met her yet."

"Huh. Is she beautiful and soft and feminine like Rei?"

"No, she's more 'death by snu-snu.' Can I come, in or what?"

"What's in the bags?"

I shuffled the paper bags in my arms. "Oh, you know, porn, potato chips, powerful hallucinogens, that sort of thing."

"Oh. Come in then."

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><p><strong>MEANWHILE, AT SEELE<strong>

Hello, ladies. Look at your man, now back to your man, now back to me. I sparkle. Sadly, he isn't me, but if he shaved his entire body and got red contacts, he could look sort of like me. Look down, now back up. Where are you? I'm on the Moon. What's that in your hand? It's a kitten! Back to me, I have it, and I'm choking it. Look again! The kitten is now an obscure hermetic sigil representing your repressed desires for your mother. I'm Kaworu.

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><p>So I was sitting next to Shinji and I looked at him and I said, "You're a kid, right?"<p>

"Yeah," he said. "Hey, I can't feel my hair."

"What was I saying?"

"You said we need to immenatize the eschaton," Shinji replied, flipping through the copy of _Ass Fancy _I'd bought at the news stand on my way up to the apartment.

"No, after that. I asked you if you were a kid."

"I guess I am. Dude, I am so high right now. Did you ever wonder what it would be like, to, like, touch a cloud?"

I sighed. "We haven't actually started doing drugs yet."

"Oh." He said.

I puffed a deep breath out through my gills. Whose idea was it that I should breath through my ribs, anyway? That's kind of stupid. "Don't you go to school or something?"

"I was going to," he said. "I'm scared of people? You know? Hedgehog's Dilemma."

"What?" I turned off the television. "You need to get out of this place. This apartment smells like assholes and hamsters. Does Misato have a hamster?"

Before Shinji could answer, here comes this penguin. I mean, an honest to Adam penguin, right there in Katsuragi's apartment. The penguin walks right up to me and says, "This is indeed a strange and disturbing universe."

"Well shit," I said. "Sorry man, listen-"

"I beg your pardon," said the Penguin. "Please allow me to introduce myself. I am Lord Alberforce Pennyworth III, Esq., late of Surrey. I must request that you and the boy vacate these premises with all haste."

"Uh," said Shinji, "What?"

"My favorite television program is about to begin. I pay for the cable, it is only proper that I should watch it as I see fit."

I scratched my beak mask face thing. "Okay, I guess. Come on, Shinji."

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><p>Hi! I'm Maya, Maya Ibuki, and I'm not gay. I swear. Not that there's anything wrong with that. I'm totally into dudes, and I have absolutely never had a fantasy about ~Rits-chan~ walking into the office, pinning me to the floor, and taking me while I feign protest. I long to shed my innocence as a butterfly sheds its cocoon.<p>

Wait, forget I said that.

I have the best job in the world. I get to work in a secret underground base with all these guys in uniforms. Every morning we stand up for five minutes and salute a sixty foot tall mural of our glorious leader, Gendo Ikari. We're totally the good guys, right?

Still, it gets weird around here. My beloved Rits-chan goes for regular swims in the LCL to verify Unit One's systems. I like to come in a little work early so I can help her towel off and give her a neck rub. She works so hard, it's amazing how she manages to keep her skin so soft. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to lick the nape of her neck. I wrote a poem about it. It's on my LiveJournal.

This morning I was waiting for her to emerge like Botticelli's Venus and I heard this voice behind me.

"Hey!"

I froze.

"Hey kid!"

I turned around very slowly.

"Kid!" said Unit One. "I need a fucking cigarette. Go get me a pack of Camels."

I looked at the sign on the wall.

DO NOT PURCHASE CIGARETTES FOR THE EVANGELION.

–THE MANAGEMENT

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><p>We were just outside Tokyo-3 junior high when the drugs began to take hold.<p>

I knew they were working because when we walked into the classroom, everyone had spiders for heads.

The leader of the spider people approached us.

"Hi!" it chittered, "My name is Hikari! I'm the class representative. You're the transfer student, right?"

"Yeah," Shinji nodded.

"Don't move," I whispered, "They crave our fluids."

She looked at me. "Umm, what are you?"

I looked around. Shit, I'd forgotten my coat.

"Uh," he said, "I'm an exchange student from…" I glanced at the map on the wall, "Belize. Let's go with that."

"I didn't know people from Belize were amphibians with plague doctor masks for faces."

"Uh," I looked around frantically, "it's… uhh… this is the traditional costume of my country."

"Really? Come introduce yourselves to the class. Ummm, what's your name? I didn't get a folder for you."

"I'm Sachiel," I said as I strode to the front of the room. "I come from a world you may not understand."

The spider people stared at me. "Uh. I shall sing for you the song of my people." I took a deep breath. "_One pill makes you larger, and one makes you smalllllll…"_

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><p>It took me a moment to realize that Gendo had rewired the angel alarm to play Yackety Sax.<p>

I rushed to the command center. Some months previously, Gendo had painted a yellow square on the floor marking where I was to stand. He thought he was clever when he started gradually repainting it every day, closer and closer to the elevator.

I gasped in horror as I saw an eldritch abomination beyond the understanding of mortal minds. Also, there was an angel attacking. Gendo walked into the command center wearing a golden speedo, and when I say that I mean _only_ a golden speedo, except for those stupid gloves.

I palmed my face. "Ikari. You're out of uniform."

"_You're_ out of uniform," he replied curtly. "I changed it."

Akagi walked into the room, stopped, and spit cold coffee onto ridiculously expensive computer equipment. "That's it," she said, "I don't care if we all die, I am _not_ doing this anymore."

"You're out of uniform, doctor," Gendo replied curtly.

"Where is the pilot of Unit One?" Captain Katusagi demanded a she bounced into the room. She thinks she's not eye candy. It would be cute, if it wasn't sad.

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><p>Look, I had a problem. They wanted Shinji to pilot, he was tripping balls, and it was my fault. I won't lie. I gave him so much mescaline he was having a conversation with the secret mechanical elves that run the universe as I carried him over my meaty angel shoulder to headquarters. I had a serious issue to deal with here, namely that I had pretty much screwed over this entire fanfiction by ensuring it would end with Shamshel starting Third Impact, and I was not going to let that happen. That guy is a jerk.<p>

So, I did the only thing I could. I stuffed Shinji in a dumpster outside the high school and stole his identification card. I only had to present it once, at the big escalator thingy into the Geofront. I suppose that I should be proud that I, the mighty Sachiel, had gained entrance to the holy of holies. In reality, the security guard didn't even look at the damn card. He also didn't notice that I'm a seven foot tall amphibian.

I had a hell of a time getting the plugsuit on. Pushing the shrink plugsuit button was _not _good idea, let me tell you. So there I was, walking out of the locker room, and here comes Rei Ayanami. She walks right up to me. In a secret underground cabal base full of these morons, she's the only one that notices me.

"You," she crinkled her brow, "are not Shinji."

"What makes you say that?"

"You have gills. Also you are looking at my chest."

"So?"

"He is too much of a pussy."

"Oh. You got me. Are you going to like, raise an alarm or AT-Field me or something? You totally kick Kaworu's ass every time."

"No," said Rei. "If I allow you to destroy the world now, it is unlikely that I will be forced to pair with _him_, or…" her face crinkled in disgust, "that red-headed trollop."

"Uh," I said, "I didn't realize you think about that stuff."

"I do. One day I will escape this endless cycle of death and rebirth and Alucard will be mine. He is my waifu."

"Okay," I said, "this is officially getting weird. I'll be on my way."

I got some weird looks when I climbed up into the entry plug. I've never been in there before, and let me tell you, it's nothing special. The kid needs to cut down on the burritos. Also, there's no, like buttons and stuff, just these two handles. How does that even work?

"Shinji!" a voice called as LCL flooded into the tube. How Freudian.

"I'm here!" I said in my girliest squeak.

"Did you swallow a cactus or something? Nevermind, get ready to launch!"

"Whatever you say, babycakes. Say, after this is over, your place or mine?"

"Mine!" Katsuragi and Akagi said at once. I groaned.

"Evangelion launch!"

I looked around. It still wasn't very impressive in there. A thought occurred to me.

"Hey baby," I said, "I'm totally inside you right now."

The Evangelion growled.

"Okay, let's drop that train of thought. Hey, there's Shamshel! Hi Shamshel! Remember me? From the team building exercise?"

He threw us through a building. See? I told you. Jerk.


	3. Chapter 3

Just Another Day in Tokyo-3

Chapter Three: What is love?

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><p>Let me tell you something. Whoever said that Evangelion pilots shouldn't take acid wasn't an Evangelion pilot on acid. I woke up in a dumpster that, thankfully, was only filled with pillows. Sachiel had apparently decided to ditch me outside of Tokyo-3's pillow factory, and that was just fine. Speaking of pillow factories, Rei was standing ouside the dumpster when I climbed out.<p>

"Hey," I said, "aren't you supposed to be wearing a sling, and stuff?"

"No," she said, and rested her dainty hands on my shoulders. She drew close to me. "Take me, Shinji. Only you can bring meaning to my crushing, vacuous existence. Bend me over that crate of Cup o' Noodles and bang me like a tin drum."

"W-what?"

"I said mount me, as a stallion takes his mare. I ache for you." She whispered, undoing the top buttons of her shirt.

Then I woke up. The dumpster was not full of pillows. It was in fact full of live lobsters.

"Oh God!" I screamed as they rent my flesh with their pincers, "Who throws away this many lobsters?"

* * *

><p>I took a deep breath of LCL through my gills.<p>

"I have no idea what I'm doing." I admitted.

"You remind me of my husband," said Unit One.

"Holy shit! You can talk!"

"Yeah. Hey, you got any smokes?"

* * *

><p>Hello! My name is Shamshel, and I am the Angel of the Dawn. That somehow translates into me being a gigantic snake with lightning whips. I don't make these decisions. So here I am, in yet another fanfiction where I'm five minutes away from getting curb stomped. You know why? So a little geek can show his friends how horrible it is to be <em>a giant robot pilot surrounded by beautiful women<em>.

I heard a familiar voice. "Hey! Shamshel! It's me! Sachiel!"

Oh great, not this dork. At least I get killed in the same episode instead of being used as a cheap shock tactic. Oh how horrible, the giant robot saved humanity! Look at the Angel of the Sea's blue blood all over the place! I mean, blowing himself up? What the hell kind of battle tactic is that? It's absurd.

I…

"Wait," I said, "are you piloting the Eva?"

"Yeah!"

"What's it like?"

The Eva scratched its chin. "I'm in a big tube, and it smells like ass in here."

"Oh, so it's like a subway."

"Let's not confuse our motifs here."

"What the hell are you doing here?" I demanded.

"I skipped out on an alternate universe."

"Oh," I leaned against a skyscraper. "What kind?"

"1890s' victorian AU. Get this, the dork kept all the Japanese names."

"Seriously?"

"It gets better. Gendo is Jack the Ripper _and a vampire._"

I reached into a Starbucks with one of my light whips and fixed up a latte. "I haven't had good coffee in a while. The machine in the waiting room sucks."

"Tell me about it. I spent a lot of time in there before Rebuild came out. Why can't they ever change up the order, you know? Zeruel gets all the screentime."

"You know," I said. "I've been getting kind of bored with this whole routine. Can I join you?"

"Nah, there's already a fic where the angels come back and comically advise the cast after they die. I hear there's a new Rebuild fic starting up next week, though. Maybe you could go hang out there."

I considered that for a moment. "Is that Mari chick in it?"

"Yeah, I guess. It's Rebuild." Said Sachiel.

"Cool! I like her, she's cute. She's not all emo and shit, and that rack…"

"Dude, she's fourteen!"

"I'm a tentacle monster," I said. "I'm in the union."

Sachiel sighed. "So are we going to fight, or what?"

"In all honesty, I'd rather just skip it," I said. "I mean, I've cut that building into a big x thing about five thousand times now. I think next time I'm going to sneak in a Z, you know, like Zorro? See what happens."

"Okay. I'll see you at the Christmas potluck?"

"Sure dude," I said, and headed back to the waiting room. He was a dork, but Sachiel makes a hell of a potato salad.

* * *

><p>I have to admit, there are certain circumstances that confuse and surprise even Gendo Ikari. This was one of them. After I watched the Fourth Angel open a gigantic door and disappear into it, I caught a glimpse of a shining octahedron reading a copy of Vogue.<p>

It waved.

I stood up. I looked around my command center.

"Would someone please tell me what in all the fucks just happened?"

"I have no idea, sir," said Misato. "All I know is, I have no intention of knowing your son. You know, biblically."

"Stop saying 'know'" Akagi muttered.

"No."

"I have no son," I said calmly. "I have a daughter with gender identity issues. Get it out of the Eva."

"Sir," Ritsuko said tiredly. "You're not going to believe this, but there is an angel piloting the Evangelion."

"Wait, what?"

"I said-"

"I heard you. Very well. I have prepared for this eventuality."

"No you haven't," said Fuyuwhatever. "For God's sake, man, put on some pants."

"I have indeed. Prepare Operation Pong."

"…no." said Ritsuko.

"You guys suck," I said.

* * *

><p>I found Shinji running down the street screaming. Escpaing Nerv was surprisingly easy, what with them being a gaggle of thundering morons. He ran up to me and then went around in circles waving his arms, screaming about lobsters. I grabbed him by the arm.<p>

"Kid!" I said, "Kid! Remember, it's only the astral plane! It can't hurt you!"

"Oh God!" he screamed, "I had this dream that Rei wanted me to make love to her, and then I was devoured by crustaceans and reassembled. I saw the Buddha! Do you hear me? I saw the Buddha! He opened my third eye!"

I slapped my forehead. Actually it's kind of my neck. Whatever. We were in trouble. The kid was going to have a hell of a come down.

"I can see forever!" he screamed, "and it hates us!"

"Let's go," I said. "We need to get off the street."

"The owls!" he whimpered. "The owls are not what they seem!"

* * *

><p>Hello. My name is Makoto Hyuga.<p>

I love Misato Katusragi. My only purpose in life is to hold her in my arms. I sense within her a secret pain that I know she would share only with me. I'm sure it would take a long time to plan out, which is why I have detailed plans in my journal to keep her locked in my basement until she experiences self-discovery through the power of lovemaking. With me, Makoto.

I enjoy angel battles, because when they happen, she gets excited and jumps up and down. Sometimes I turn around and just watch her move. It doesn't seem to matter if I pay attention. I just randomly mash keys anyway; none of the buttons in here actually do anything. When I first started working here, they did stuff, but they disconnected them all after the Commander accidentally ordered an N2 mine dropped on Sweden.

She turned to discuss… I don't know, something or other with Doctor Akagi. I don't mind her, but she scares me a little. She's hard and muscley where Misato is soft and beautiful. Sometimes I dream of rubbing her back and feeding her chocolates by a fireplace. Did you know that her hair smells like chocolate? It does. Sometimes I keep a shirt of hers when I do her laundry. It breaks up the monotony of the album of her panties I've collected. Sometimes I slap them and pretend she's wearing them. She drinks and is a slob. She's a naughty girl and I want to make her better.

"Hey Hyuga," Aoba elbowed me. "Quit staring at Katsuragi's ass."

"I am not 'staring at her ass'. I am admiring her beauty. Look at her. She's perfect."

"She'll never touch you."

"Why not?" I said as I drew out my pad. I sketched her. I had lots of sketches. Misato in her uniform. Misato on a bed. Misato in handcuffs. Misato in a brass bikini and a leash. I dreamed that one day she would notice and beg me to draw her from life.

"You're a secondary character. You've had, like eight different voice actors. People get you confused with me, and we look totally different."

"That's nothing," I snapped. "I heard some dude's grandma watched this show and confused Shinji with Maya."

"Hey!" Maya snapped. "I do not look like a boy. I am not a boy. I am a girl. I want Rits~chan to use me like a girl. Did I say that out loud?"

"Yeah," said Aoba. "She's like, right there."

"Maya," Ritsuko said wearily. "You've been a bad girl. Go to my office and assume the position."

"Yay!" said Maya.

"Ritsuko!" Gendo called. The room went silent. "My office! Ten minutes."

"Go to hell. I'm gay now."

"Curses!" cried Gendo.

"I'm going home," said Misato. "Wake me when the world is ending again."

* * *

><p>I turned to Kaji.<p>

"Kaji?"

"What, Asuka?" he said tiredly, glancing at me over his newspaper.

We sat outside a sidewalk café in Berlin. After the incident last year, he refuses to meet with me except in public. I know that people will judge our love, so I go along with it. I want you to know something. Everybody thinks that I'm this bizarre mutant psycho bitch that's just waiting for someone to come along, point out that they know about my momma, and I'll turn into a puddle of cuddles. I'll have you know that it is not that easy.

You have to have a ponytail.

"I like to dissect girls. Have I ever told you that I'm utterly insane?"

He looked over his paper again. "Whatever. I'm not going to have a relationship with you, Asuka. Go home."

"Why not?" I pouted. I do a really good pout.

"For one, you're thirteen, and I don't want to go to jail for the rest of my miserable life. For two, the whole point of my character is that my flirtatious nature is a defense for my deep seated lack of confidence, and I truly only have eyes for Misato, but our natures doom us to suffering and separation, much like you and Shinji. It's like poetry."

"Go on."

"Also, you're crazier than a shithouse rat."

"I resent that," I said as I polished my chainsaw. "You know that girl you talked to yesterday while they were loading the Eva onto the boat?"

"Yeah?"

"I dismembered her and dumped her body in a park. A hobo saw me, so I stabbed him to death. His dog ate him."

"Okay honey," he said. "Whatever you say."

"I hear the new pilot is kind of cute."

"Let's face it, if you actually do ever feel genuine attraction to someone you'll probably murder him because you secretly hate yourself and constantly seek out self-inflicted punishments in order to castigate yourself for whatever imaginary transgression drove your mother away, even though it wasn't your fault."

I looked at him blankly. "Can I lick you?"

"No."

* * *

><p>I am Rei Ayanami, destroyer of worlds. Gaze into my crimson eyes and despair, mortal. When I have my ascension, you shall not have a dark lord but a queen, beautiful and cold as the moon. I changed out of my plugsuit and into my school uniform and noticed there was a note stuck in the locker next to mine. Since the locker room is used only by me, it must have been meant for me.<p>

DEAR REI, it said, DO YOU LIKE ME Y/N

I looked at the signature. It was surrounded by little pink hearts.

ZERUEL

Fuck.


	4. Chapter 4

Just Another Day in Tokyo-3

Chapter Four: Red vs. Blue

* * *

><p>Misato walked out of her bedroom to find Sachiel asleep on her couch. With a sigh, she walked over and started kicking at his legs.<p>

"Get up!" she shouted. "Get! Up!"

"I don't wanna," Sachiel moaned and rolled over. He waved a flippery three-fingered hand at her dismissively.

"You said you were going to get a job."

"I say lots of things."

Shinji walked out of the kitchen in an apron covered in tiny pink hearts. "Hey," he said, "I thought this story was written in the first person? I had a whole monologue about cooking planned."

Sachiel sat up and pulled a copy of the script out from under the couch. "Nah, the lazy jackass that writes this crap can barely keep his tenses straight, much less third/first person."

"How can the audience hear what we're thinking?" said Misato.

"You have to think in italics," said Sachiel. _Like this._

"Oh."

With an exaggerated yawn, Asuka opened the door to her bedroom and walked out, pausing to arch her back and stretch languidly. Shinji's oven-mitted hands dropped to his side.

"Boobs," he whispered reverently.

"No!" Sachiel screamed, "Run! Run! Don't fall for it! What is _she _doing here?"

"I got sick of fucking around in Germany, so I rewrote the script."

"Let me see that," Sachiel demanded, snatching a legal pad from her hand.

"Scene one," he read, "the great and beautiful and supremely intelligent Countess Asuka Langley-Soryu walked into the room and… wait, Countess?"

"My mother is nobility, you know."

"Uh," Sachiel said, "I'm just going to humor you. Let me see here…"

His mask-face twitched as he read. "Oh. Oh God."

"What is it?" said Shinji.

"Two words, kid. Praying. Mantis. I suggest you run."

Asuka grinned maniacally. "He's not fast enough."

Just then, the door flew open. Rei walked in.

With a rocket launcher.

She fixed her crimson gaze on Asuka. "Yo. She-bitch. Let's go."

* * *

><p>The angel alarm prompted a flurry of activity in the command center. The Bridge Bunnies rushed to their posts.<p>

"Why are we called Bridge Bunnies?" said Hyuga. "Only one of us is a girl."

"It's not like _Playboy_ bunnies, you dolt," Aoba snapped. "It's alliterative."

"What?"

"You know, the words start with the same letter. It's a poetic device."

Everyone in the room stared at him blankly.

"I hate you all," he muttered.

"Why is Maya wearing a wedding dress?"

"Me and Rits~chan are getting gay married!" she said happily.

"What's that?"

"It's like regular married, only gay," said Aoba.

Hyuga stared at him blankly.

"They're both girls."

"Cease your gibbering!" the commander boomed from high above. "What is the situation?"

"There's an Angel, sir!" cried Maya.

"What tipped you off, the angel alarm? I'm cutting your pay."

"Awww."

"On screen!"

The impossibly huge main screen flickered to life. A huge picture of Ritsuko appeared, surrounded by sparkly flowers. She had a rose clenched in her teeth.

"Sorry," said Maya. "The screen saver is still on."

The angel appeared on screen in the form of a great BEEP octahedron.

"What's an octahedron?" said Maya.

BEEP

"It's two four sided pyramids stacked into a cubey thing."

"It's not a cube," said Aoba, palming his face.

BEEP

"TURN OFF THAT FUCKING BEEPING!" Gendo snapped.

"Yes, sir," Maya squeaked.

BEEP

"It's not working! It's not accepting any of the commands!"

"The volume button _is right there._" Aoba snapped.

BEEP

* * *

><p>The initial explosion blew out the side wall of the apartment. It also left Misato, Asuka and Rei's clothes in tatters that were highly suggestive yet still concealed enough to maintain a T rating.<p>

"I was born to witness this," said Shinji.

"Come on, kid, we gotta get out of here," Sachiel shouted, grabbing him by the arm. "They'll kill us all."

"It would not be so terrible a thing, to die in sight of such beauty," said Shinji.

Asuka kicked the couch away from herself and stood, a Roman gladius in either hand.

"Oh," she said, "it's on now."

Misato stood up. "Stop it! Stop it right now!"

Rei ignored her and pulled out a chainsaw.

"Where are they getting these things?" Misato demanded.

"I don't know, but I have to say, your rack is incredible." said Sachiel.

"Damn it," Misato looked down at herself, "my uniform is ruined. All I have left is my maid outfit. The one with the thong and the little collar that goes around my neck and the thigh high stockings and-"

Shinji fainted.

* * *

><p>The mighty angel Ramiel, the Thunder of God, drifted over the BEEP city.<p>

"Hehe," he said, BEEEEP

"God damn it!" Gendo screamed, "Stop doing that!"

BEEEEEEEEEEEP

"Imma chargin' my lazor!"

"Really?" said Aoba. "A 'chargin' my lazor' gag? It's 2011, dude."

"DESU DESU" said Ramiel.

"My God," said Fuyutsuki. "Memes."

"Where is my daughter?" Gendo shouted. "We need a pilot."

"I don't know!" Hyuga said shrilly. "Misato's apartment just exploded! I hope her boobs are okay!"

"Then we have no choice," said Gendo. "Prepare Rick Hardsteel."

Fuyutsuki gasped. "Deploy a Mary Sue? Now? How will the committee react?"

"With adulation and support," said Gendo. "He is a Mary Sue, after all. Rick, are you ready?"

Rick Hardsteel strode onto the bridge, resplendent in his awesome orange custom plugsuit. He ran his fingers through his lustrous red hair and thrust his buldge at Maya, who squealed with delight.

"I'm seriously questioning my sexual preferences right now," said Maya.

"So am I," said Hyuga. "I need an adult!"

"Fear not," said Rick Hardsteel, "for Rick Hardsteel hath known both man, woman, and potato."

"Wait," said Fuyutsuki, "potato?"

BEEP

* * *

><p>Shinji awoke to find a beautiful brunette in a tartan skirt curled up in his lap.<p>

"Hi, gorgeous," she said, licking his cheek.

"Uh, hi," he said. "Who are you again?"

"I'm Mari. I'm your wish fulfillment. I combine Asuka's fiery personality with Rei's precocious bust, twintails, a plaid skirt and glasses."

"Oh," said Shinji. "let's make out."

They made out.

"Damn it," said Sachiel. "Once more, I must save the world."

Asuka ascended the pile of rubble that had once been Misato's apartment, hefting an M134 General Electric Minigun. She aimed the rotating barrels at Rei.

"Say hello to Puff the Magic Dragon, you blue haired slattern."

"You ignorant slut," Rei shouted, racking her shotgun.

* * *

><p>Ramiel aimed his beam at a building.<p>

"WHOOPS!" he said as the building vaporized. "MY" BEEP "BAD!"

"I think it's mocking us," said Fuyutsuki.

"Rick," said Gendo, desperately. "Are you ready to deploy?"

"Almost," said Rick. "The technicians keep ripping my plugsuit off, and you only have so many that can accommodate my massive junk."

"A true hero," said Fuyutsuki.

"He makes David Bowie look like an elf," said Gendo.

"Aren't we supposed to be fighting the angel?" said Aoba.

"WHOOPS!" said Ramiel, "THERE GOES A HOSPITAL!"

"Give me sitrep!" Misato shouted, bouncing into the room. Hyuga took one look at her and fainted.

"Why are you dressed as a sexy, sexy maid?" said Aoba.

"Why don't you shut up?" said Misato, adjusting her frilly apron. "What the hell is going on?"

"We're all going to die," said Aoba.

"Your blatant cynicism is totally at odds with the tone of this series," said Gendo.

"HEY!" said Ramiel. "I'M STILL BLOWING SHIT UP HERE!"

BEEP

* * *

><p>Humming his own theme music, Rick Hardsteel deployed in Unit One.<p>

"Hark, demon!" he cried, "I shall send you back to the hell from whence you came!"

"Whatever," said Ramiel. BEEP

The angel assaulted Unit One with its beam.

"Ooh!" said Unit One. "Tickles!"

"Hey baby," said Ramiel. "You doing anything later?"

"Other than being trapped in a nightmarish limbo of inaction, no," Unit One winked.

"Oh God!" Rick screamed, "My flesh is boiling!"

BEEP

"What's up with the beeping?"

"MY EYES ARE ON FIRE!" Rick shrieked. "I'M SUBMERGED IN LIQUID AND MY EYES ARE ON FIRE ANYWAY!"

"Baby," said Ramiel, "once you go beep, you never need to sleep."

"Oooh," said Unit One.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE HELP ME!" Rick wailed.

* * *

><p>"Yui!" Gendo wept. "How could you?"<p>

"Yes," Fuyutsuki said drolly. "How could you."

"Sir! We're going to lose the pilot!"

"Don't worry about that," said Fuyutsuki. "Mary Sues are a dime a dozen. Recover Unit One."

"It's back in the cage," said Maya.

"Good," said Gendo. "Get the withered husk of Rick Hardsteel-"

Maya cooed warmly.

"-out of the plug and prepare… uh…"

"Prepare Shinji," said Fuyutsuki.

"Prepare Shinji."

"Sir," said Misato. "If I may."

Gendo looked her up and down. "If you're going to wear that, you may all you like."

"We don't know where Shinji is. Also the other two pilots are trying to murder each other and have already torn up half the city."

"This is going well," said Fuyutsuki.

* * *

><p>Asuka whirled her axe at Rei's head, missing as the blue-haired waif ducked under the blow.<p>

"Blood," Asuka frothed, "_Blood for the Blood God_!"

Rei reached behind her back and drew a shimmering power sword. "For the Emperor!"

Their blades clashed in a shower of blue sparks. Rei shoulder Asuka away and she fell into the rubble behind her. Rei rested the tip of the blazing sword against Asuka's throat.

"You," said Rei, "have been a very, very bad girl."

"I have," said Asuka, breathily. "Punish me."

Rei threw the sword aside and dove onto her, crushing the red-headed girl into her embrace. Moaning, they rolled into a spectacularly well placed field of daisies.

"I have to admit, I didn't see that coming," said Sachiel.


	5. Chapter 5

Just Another Day in Tokyo-3

Chapter 5: That Was Disappointing

"Hey Sachiel," said Shinji, "weren't we in the middle of the Ramiel fight?"

I shrugged. "Really? You expect the author of this garbage to remember something like that? It's been like a month and a half since we updated."

Shinji looked at me. "I wish you would stop doing that."

I was polishing my core. It isn't as dirty as it sounds.

We were sitting in the living room watching Japanese game shows. Did I ever tell you how weird Japanese game shows are? Let me tell you, after watching an entire afternoon of underaged girls in bikinis being pelted with live tarantulas while they try to solve complex calculus problems, I can understand the whole destroy-the-lilim jag my colleagues are on. I don't even know what the point of this is. I'm not sure it's possible to win.

I know this. It's actually possible to stick a tarantula in someone's ass by its fangs if you throw it hard enough, and at the right angle. I seen some shit, people. I seen some shit.

"Hey kid," I say, switching from past to present tense for no readily apparent reason. "Did you hear that Red and Blue are getting married?"

"Really?" says Shinji.

"Yup," says Asuka, appearing from her bedroom in what can only be described as High School of the Dead cosplay. "We're getting gay married. Gay married is best married!"

"Good," says Shinji. "I was hoping the author of this fic wasn't going to ram an incoherent and forced romance down our throats. I don't even find you particularly attractive, I'm just a horny teenager and you do have a really tight ass."

"What the hell got into you?" Asuka demands. "You've never been this candid with anyone about anything in your pathetic, mewling life."

She walks over to Shinji and makes a point of ramming her breasts into his face as she leans over to him.

"Can I get some of that?" I ask, unaware of the consequences.

A swat team bursts through the door, aiming the rifles at me and gratuitously cocking them the way they do on television to make guns more scary. Let me tell you, it isn't the noise that guns make that makes them scary, it's the guns pointed at your face. Chris Hansen walks in.

"Hello, mister Sachiel. Why don't you have a seat over there?"

"…I'm already sitting down."

"That's it," says Hansen. "Taze him."

"Right!" the swat team all say at once. Then they taze me.

"Electricity!" I scream, "One of my several weaknesses!"

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in the waiting room.<p>

Ramiel walks into the room, which is odd because he has no legs. He's covered in scorch marks and has a big ragged hole blown in his back. He limps over to the coffee machine, pours himself a cup, and takes a sip, wincing.

"Ow," he mutters.

"Is it my turn?" Gaghiel demands, "My turn? My turn myturnmyturn!"

"Shut the fuck up," Zeruel rumbles, looking over his copy of Us Magazine.

* * *

><p>I lay twitching on the floor, looking up at the ceiling. After they finished beating me with their nightsticks, the police promptly left, leaving Shinji and Asuka blinking. I stick my claw up in the air.<p>

"Check please," I mutter.

Asuka leans over me. She's dressed up as a unicorn now. I don't know how that tail is staying on, and I don't want to.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?"

"I have to pose for one of those pervy statues this afternoon," she says. She points to those clippy things she wears on her head. "This shit ain't free."

Then, Edward Cullen from the critically acclaimed and award winning literary epic Twilight walked in the door.

"I should start locking the door," said Shinji. "Also, I've noticed we've switched tenses again, this is getting annoying."

"Quite," said Edward. "I'm here to see someone named Ass… Assoo…"

"Asuka," said Asuka, dreamily.

"Right," said Edward, "I'm here to pick you up for the crossover fic."

He looked at her pony costume. "Oh. It's one of _those._"

"No, this is for another gig. Come on, let's go," she said, following him out the door. "So, are you biting me first or after?"

I shuddered. Rei thrust open the door and barged into the apartment, murder in her eyes. "Where is my fiery goddess? I must conquer her."

"She's having sparkly sex with a sparkly vampire," said Shinji, helpfully.

She looked around the room. "Damnation. Very well, Ikari. I must be sated, and as they say, any port in a storm. Get your pants off."

"Okay," said Shinji.

As he was undoing his belt, she grabbed him by the neck and dragged him into Misato's bedroom with a cry of "Out, slattern!"

Drunkenly, Misato stumbled into the living room, dressed in the disheveled remnants of her official Nerv uniform, which included a lot of leather and chaps for some reason. She tripped over the couch and managed to land on top of me.

"Kaji?" she slurred.

"Sure," I say, "Let's go with that."

"My pants are sthtuck," she belched, "can you help me get mmm off."

"Yes. Yes I can."

_Fifteen Minutes Later_

"Well," said Misato, taking a drag on her cigarette, "that was disappointing."

"Maybe for you," I smirked.

The door to the bedroom opened and Shinji ran out, bereft of raiment save a collar attached to along leash. "Help me, for the love of God, someone help me!"

There was a sharp yank on the leash and he was dragged back inside. I heard a bullwhip crack.

"Silence, slave!" Rei snarled, "You have come to a world called Gor!"


End file.
